|
The Explosive Truth Behind the
Rock That Changed Humanity!
Are
you serious about your feet and elbows? Really serious? Well,
then it’s time for you to get serious about pumice.
Because this miracle of ancient geologic upheaval is the timeless
secret to upheaving the callouses from your favorite feet.
(“Mom!!!! You never told me about pumice!!!”
“Well dear, I thought you were a little young…”)
For
those of you who are thinking pumice
sounds like something your cat leaves on the carpet, here’s
a quick little geology lesson. Pumice
is actually formed from the magma of an erupting volcano.
As it cools, it forms a network of gas bubbles that are frozen
with volcanic glass and minerals, leaving a lightly-abrasive
surface.
Now
that we’ve shared this ancient secret with you, you have
to do exactly what we say—it’s a trust thing. Okay?
Eliminate all thoughts of loofahs, medicated pads, steel wool,
60-grit sandpaper, and those clever scraper blades designed
just for callouses that tear your fingers to shreds when you
put the blade in (and then proceed to do the same to your
heels, elbows, and any other horny body part with which they
get up close and personal). Having thereby purified yourself,
proceed to pick up your Baudelaire
Pumice Stone and initiate yourself into the true abrasive
miracle that is pumice.
(Actually, a little foot soak before and a little lotion after
the fact might help also.)
While
you’re lightly abrading yourself, you’ll be pleased
to learn that, in Greek Mythology, pumice,
“Kienpie” to its friends, was formed during the
unification of Vulcan and Venus, the Goddess of Beauty. Yow!
Talk about sparks flying! The ancients knew that when your
favorite God and Goddess go to all that trouble to present
you with a mythological gift, it’s got to be good for
something. After much trial and error (yeah, they tried eating
it, but let’s not go there) those clever Grecian fellas
found the formula—i.e., pumice
was ideal for removing callouses and other dermatological
imperfections. The Mayans also gathered pumice,
or “Hux Tunich,” and used it to clean animal skins;
that’s why their animals never had callouses!
Now that you’ve opened a large
space in your heart (and a small one in your budget) for
this miracle of ancient geology, use it regularly, and
always say a little prayer of thanks to your favorite deity
(or your friends at Baudelaire) for letting you in on the
hidden secret of smooth skin. Because, while feet and elbows
may not be particularly pretty, they are reputed to be
erogenous zones for the truly trendy, as well as useful
for other, more everyday, functions.
You
should be aware, however, that the pumice
market is peopled with pernicious purveyors who simply pile
up any old gray matter, mix it with glue, and want you to
rub it on your feet. Yuck! Our pumice
is hand-picked on the beaches of the Yucatan. We know…you’re
thinking: “Is this any way to make a living? Picking
pumice by the seashore?” Well, it sure is for our
secret source. Rumored to be an ancient sage of the geologic
persuasion, he wanders the Yucatan shores, selecting only
those stones that speak to him in voices that only folks like
him (and we!) ever hear.
How do you know that
you are holding a true Baudelaire
Pumice Stone? Well each one is unique, but, most important
of all, they float! Go ahead…try that with your pumice
stone. The artificial ones don’t.
So, dear friends, in the words of the ancient sage…while everybody,
indeed, must get stoned, only a select few are worthy of being pumiced.… |
